Last Days of Rehearsal of Judas Iscariot

        * Rehearsal before opening night
  Today something happened in play rehearsal that has completely left me speechless.

I just want to start off by saying something about myself, which I’m not sure I’m proud of or not, but think it’s crucial to the message I’m trying to get across.

I haven’t cried properly in about 4 years (since my dog died). I’ve always felt terrible not crying during times when I should be, like last year one of my best friends left SFS and for some reason, even though I REALLY wanted to, could not cry at all. I ended just awkwardly standing around all my friends who were crying. Of course I’ve always shed the occasional tear in sad movies, songs, books or whatnot, but not properly cry because of my emotions.

Today in rehearsal during the final scene between Jesus and Judas and the monologue by Butch Honeywell, I was filled (and I mean FILLED) with this pure feeling of grief that I haven’t felt in years and I couldn’t stop crying. I can’t even describe it. I tried to stop myself because I saw that no one else but Christian (who was acting) was crying. I had Kevin to hug me while I cried which I was so grateful for because I had no idea what to do or where to look. I felt so embarrassed even though I know I shouldn’t have been because I out of my group of friends I was the one that was always emotionally strong for all of us. Last year before my friend, Jackie, left Korea she told me “Stay strong for me and look after Alice and Yage because you’ve always been the strongest out of all of us”, and I felt as though I had in a way let her down by crying (even though I know for a fact the Jackie wouldn’t care that I was crying).

I just wanted to write that experience down because I’ve never experienced anything like that in my life let alone as a cast member. It kept me silent, thinking all the way home that I started to worry my fellow taxi riders. I have never been so taken by surprise and so overwhelmed before. 

Out of all the things that this experience was, though, was an inspiration. It was a moment that proved the magic of theatre and the potential there is when an actor truly empathizes with their character. The three actors Christian, Sammy and Cullen are now huge inspirations of mine just for being able to make me properly cry and also the cast has done such an amazing job in the past week that I am so incredibly proud and inspired by every single member of it.

I believe this play will truly impact people and leave the thinking about it for a long time. It has for me.

* After Performance

-Emma-